Defending Dickless
by Turmanarmo
Summary: There are very good reasons Sakura usually tries to watch what she says, and avoiding situations like this is one of the main ones. OneShot Crackfic some NaruSaku towards the end


**Turmanarmo: Welcome back to another wonderf-**

**Kurama: (while laughing his fuzzy butt off) Oh lord, this is great. I can't believe you actually had the balls to write this much less post it. Have I ever told you how much I love crack stories that embarrass my baka of a host?**

**Turmanarmo: Quiet Kurama, I don't want you to spoil the story. Anyways, as Kurama pointed out, this Oneshot is what I would consider crack, female fanservice crack to boot, so if you don't like that, please turn back now, unless you are a masochist about that stuff, then be my guest I suppose. I am dedicating this to my friend who helped me write this. She took my original draft and ripped it apart, which allowed me to make this hopefully much better version for all you from it's carcass. For those of you on the Tumblers, if you know Plank-no-Jutsu, you can blame her for the existence of this.**

**Plank-no-Jutsu: *WAVES***

**Turmanarmo: Anyways, Kurama if you d-**

**Kurama: (still snickering) Ah this is great, I can't wait to see what his reaction will be once Naruto reads this. Oh, were you talking again you pitiful author. I suppose you expect me to do the disclaimer now. Okay, so the meat sack here doesn't own the strange little story with the same name as my container so don't sue him or something, it isn't like you would get much. About the only thing he owns is his computer and some college debt, I am sure he would be fine with you taking the later one. Regardless, just go read this wonderfully humiliating piece of crack fic now mortals.**

Naruto was trying his hardest to sit quietly in one of the training grounds on the edge of the village. Rather than training like usual, he was sitting here trying to be supportive of his teammate as she studied for her exam. What exam was she studying for? Well, the final stage of the medic exam for Konoha's Hospital. In Konoha, there were three levels to the Medical Ninja program: Nurse, Field Medic, and Doctor. She had easily passed the first and second exams while training with Tsunade during Naruto's three-year absence and had specialized as a combat medic for the second program. However, now that the war was over and Naruto had managed to 'talk' Sasuke into coming back to the village, she figured it was time she finally go for the final level and become Doctor Haruno, a full-fledged Medical Kunoichi, able to handle the most serious of cases.

When she had brought it up to her teammates that she was planning to do it, none but Naruto and Kakashi seemed fully interested. Sai had congratulated her with his typical fake smile and Sasuke had merely grunted before leaving. Kakashi had been proud of her accomplishments, which was a nice feeling, but she had to admit that she hadn't expected Naruto's reaction.

-Flashback-no-Jutsu-

Naruto scoffed, "What do you need to do that for? Getting a piece of paper that says you're a doctor won't change anything."

He continued, oblivious to the panicked and confused look Kakashi was sending him as well as the righteous anger radiating off Sakura as she prepared to smash his skull in. "I mean, it's not like it'll make you a better medic or miraculously allow you to heal more dangerous cases or anything." He crossed his arms and nodded sagely, his eyes shut.

That was it for Sakura. She raised her fist and brought it down on the moronic boy's skull–but as her enraged punch was sailing through the air, she heard him continue: "Come on, you are already the best medic in the wh…"

Then came the awkward silence as he lay unconscious while she considered the fact that he'd been attempting to _compliment_ her. Apparently, he was trying to say that the title would be redundant… not that she wasn't good enough.

She blushed lightly before kneeling to healing the possible concussion she'd just given him. She sighed in relief when she detected fairly minimal damage. Good, she had been holding back more than she thought. Even if she was mad at him, she didn't really want to hurt him; he just flustered her so badly at times, that she didn't know how to react, and well, violence was an easy reaction.

-End-flashback-

After she had explained that becoming a certified doctor was another step in her mission to become head medic of the hospital, it had finally clicked for Naruto: this was her version of his Hokage Dream. He naturally decided to support her in whatever way he could. Of course, not being the intellectual type himself, he could do little more than silently support her. Which he had been doing fairly well for the past four hours. He had brought her lunch, warded off nosy friends who would distract her, and he had 'borrowed' a table from the park for her to use. He even tried to help as much as he could when she was stumped by something. This usually resulted in him sending a clone to ask Tsunade or Shizune the question, but he had surprisingly been able to work out one or two based on her explanations alone.

Due to this, she was content to let him sit across from her. That is, until Sai showed up.

The newest member of Team 7 had recently resumed his habit of calling people by nicknames. Naruto had never quite come to terms with his nickname in particular. Pity Sai seemed so fond of 'dickless'.

She groaned when his entering line was, "Hello, Dickless, Hag. How are the two of you today?"

The piercing cry of, "Sai! Stop Calling Us That!" from Naruto only served to further wrench her mind away from the reading. As she glared at the now arguing duo, she considered Sai's desire to test things on his team. She was flattered that he thought of them as a safe place where he could try out what he had learned before using it more widely, but there were times where it wasn't so nice. Sai had recently been studying humor, a subject he usually had difficulty with. However, he had observed that people would laugh at others' embarrassment, and well, it wasn't terribly difficult to embarrass and fluster Naruto into quite comical reactions. Unfortunately, he hadn't yet realized that such humor often was not wanted by the butt of these jokes.

Despite her attempts to ignore them from behind her book, she still managed to hear Sai's comments and Naruto's whined replies. Sakura was getting so annoyed at the duo's arguing that she did something she would later regret. When Sai came back with, "I don't see what the issue is Dickless, I just call it as I see it." She immediately responded with clear annoyance, "Honestly Sai, Naruto is _very_ far from dickless." Not quite realizing what she had just said, Sakura returned to her studying as Naruto turned to Sai and nodded emphatically.

"See Sai, Sakura-chan knows … that … I … Have …"

A few seconds passed. Naruto grew progressively redder before finally shouting, "Sakura-Chan! H-how do you even know that 'tebayo?"

Sakura looked up before grinding out, "Know what Na-ru-to."

Sai was actually the one to respond, "I believe he is referring to how you know that he is, and I quote, 'very far from dickless.'"

Sakura looked confused for a moment before she finally registered what he said and stuttered out a scared, "what?" and turned bright red.

Sai sighed dramatically, "Honestly Hag, you are supposed to be the smart one. Naruto, and to a lesser degree myself, want to know why you think he has a large penis, tool, rod, mpf."

Naruto had finally managed to return from his shocked state and clapped his hand over his friend's mouth before he could say any more. He was about to utter a threat when he heard Sakura stuttering and he looked up.

She had a horrified expression on her face and was quietly muttering to herself. In any other situation he may have found this cute, but he was too embarrassed to do anything but ask, "S-Sakura-chan, are you alright?"

She snapped her head around to him and flushed harder if that were possible before she stuttered out, "I-It isn't what you think. I am a medic, Naruto!" She swore Naruto and Sai were _judging_ her with their stares. "I-I just meant that compared to others I have seen, it's not like yours was sma- "

Sakura slapped a hand over her own mouth, horrified, as Naruto turned crimson once again.

His expression suddenly swapped from embarrassed to horrified as he shouted, "Wait, what! When were ... Why have y-you been checking out other guys' junk?"

Sakura briefly considered attempting to escape before this got any worse, but she resigned herself to her fate when she realized that neither of the others would allow her to leave now. Sakura huffed and crossed her arms to appear a bit more composed. "I already told you I am a medic so it wasn't like I was peeping." She moved her glare from the ground to the pair across from her. "Once I turned 18, I was cleared to perform full body physicals. I was simply saying that, compared to what I have seen, yours wasn't small. Now can we please be done with this conversation? I may be fine seeing people nude since I am a medic, but I don't particularly want to continue discussing the size of my best friend's penis."

Naruto was about to nod when he suddenly froze and his eyes took on a confused glint. Sakura winced, silently praying that he wouldn't ask the next question she thought was coming. "W-wait. Baachan is the one who always does my physical. Why would she … she wouldn't … she did say she would get me back for calling her Baachan … but this is just so … that has to be it … how else would you know what my…" as he turned a shade that could only be described as Uzumaki-hair-red, he gulped.

Sakura cursed silently, she hadn't expected that thought. She had always hoped she would never have to tell him about _that_ incident. However, letting her Shishou take the blame would only end poorly for her, and since she probably couldn't come up with a convincing lie on the spot she bit out, "Naruto!" She sighed when he directed his attention to her. "It wasn't Shishou or anyone else who told me. I found out on our first mission with Sai. When you attacked Orochimaru, you were in the four tails state for so long that your skin had completely burned off." She looked directly at his eyes, a pained look on her face. "Once we managed … Once you stopped, you needed to be healed. Your blood had already seeped into your clothes and if I let it dry like that, even if I healed you, it would have just ripped your skin off again when your clothes were removed. So there was no safe way to heal you … without removing them first."

Naruto seemed horrified as he interrupted, "What? Why? You couldn't have left my boxers on at least?"

Sakura huffed, "No Naruto, there was no other way to properly heal you without removing your gear. It's not like the flesh under your boxers was any less melted than the rest of you. Or did you think your boxers were magically resistant to demon chakra burns?" She clenched her fists and lowered her eyes again. "Why does it matter so much to you anyways? So I saw you naked, it wasn't like I was perving on you or anything. I needed to heal you. That was my job as medic, you just happened to be naked. We put on your spare clothes the moment I was done. Honestly this is why we didn't tell you, we knew you would freak out."

When she saw Sai's face morph into that creepy smile, she knew she was going to hate whatever he said next. Her fist clenched as he said, "True you were the medic and so you had to heal him, but it isn't like you didn't look. You apparently even memorized the size of his dick and then compared it to future ones you saw. The real question is, why did you bother comparing it to others?"

Fortunately for the continued integrity of Sai's skull, Sakura's embarrassment won out over her anger at this point. She shifted to try to hide her discomfort at the topic. She knew _exactly_ why, but she wasn't about to tell them. When she had first heard Sai call Naruto dickless, she had taken it as an insult to his manliness, not as a commentary to the actual size or presence of said organ. However, at the hot springs, Sai made another comment as Naruto left the pool, which made her somewhat curious.

When she had seen the state Naruto was in, she realized what she would have to do. Stomping down her personal embarrassment, she entered what Naruto would often later affectionately call 'medic mode.' As she healed him, her mind realized he happened to be the first nude male she had seen outside of the pictures and diagrams from Tsunade's medical texts. She began analyzing everything she saw and comparing it with her up till then theoretical data, that analysis just so happened to include _every_ part of his body. She hadn't even considered the fact that he had been rather attractive by most women's standards until later. Her mind had briefly noted the oddity of Sai considering _that_ small but had quickly dismissed the info since it wasn't important to healing him or increasing her medical knowledge.

Thankfully, for her sanity, she soon became so busy with missions and the Akatsuki that it remained in the back of her mind for quite some time. However, when she began giving physicals, the memory crept back up and she eventually began to notice a rather _interesting_ trend. It embarrassed her greatly that she was keeping track of this, but out of all the males she examined, not _one_ was larger than Naruto.

She was broken out of her musings when Sai rapped his knuckles against her headband like he was knocking, and said, "Oi Hag, not to stop you from fantasizing about his genitals, but you still haven't answered my question."

Deciding that couldn't go unpunished, Sakura glared at him through her bangs. She took a great deal of satisfaction at the terrified look in Sai's eyes as he realized what was coming next. He tried to back away, but was not quite fast enough to avoid the right hook that sent him spinning until he crumpled near Naruto's feet. As he stood back up rubbing his sore jaw, Sakura snorted angrily and crossed her arms, "I don't know Sai, maybe I have a good memory. I was just hoping to shut the two of you up. I wasn't paying much attention but the mention of _that_ must have brought it to mind. That. Is. All."

Noticing that Sai seemed to have accepted her explanation, she looked at Naruto and noticed he was currently zoned out and seemed to not be focused on her at the moment. With that, she sat down once again and returned to her studies. She vaguely registered Sai leaving with what she swore was a disgruntled "Goodbye." Several minutes later she noticed that Naruto was still standing in the same place and so she looked up and saw him staring off into the distance with a slight dusting of pink still on his cheeks.

Sakura sighed as she stood and went to poke her friend in the chest and asked, "Hey Naruto, are you alright?" Sure, she was upset about having been interrogated about her comment and knowledge about _that,_ but Naruto had actually been the topic of their lengthy and embarrassing discussion, and she was worried about how he was acting. As he refocused on the here and now, he shook his head to clear his thoughts and nodded at her before a small unsure smile appeared on his face and he sat down across from her once more.

Several hours later she slammed the last book closed with finality and gave a satisfied nod, only to look up and raise an eyebrow at the fact that Naruto seemed to have not noticed her rather loud punctuation to the end of her studies. She poked him again before leveling him with a reassuring look. "Alright Naruto, what's wrong? Are you really that upset over all this? Don't worry about it, okay? Seeing you naked hasn't changed my opinion of you any."

Naruto looked up, his face forming a pout, "I know Sakura-chan, but it's so unfair! I mean, if I had seen you naked you would have pummeled me into the ground, even if I had a good reason like you did."

At his childish pout and dejected tone, she almost giggled until he added, "Plus, now you've seen me naked and I haven't seen _you, _and that's totally unfair 'tebayo."

She was on a roll for speaking with no filter today as she replied, "Well suck it up baka, you aren't seeing that till we are married."

This time she actually realized what she said and swiftly slapped a hand over her mouth and let out an eep as her eyes widened at what she had just implied to him.

Naruto seemed thoroughly confused for a short time before his face split into a massive sly grin. "Sakura-chan, does that mean you want me to marry you?" The mischievous and gleeful look in his eyes sent shivers down her spine. "Don't you think we should start with a date or two first? I don't think others would understand otherwise."

Sakura knew that he was taking advantage of what she had said and probably also trying to bring a bit of humor to the awkward situation. However, she decided she might as well take advantage of his forwardness for once and she smirked as she replied, "Sure Naruto, how about tonight you take me out to dinner? Say 6 o'clock. Since you were so good today I may even let our first _official _date be at Ichiraku." As she stood and gathered her books, she took no small amount of satisfaction in the way his shit-eating grin from earlier morphed into a look of shock.

She was laughing madly in her head as she walked away from him. The dumbfounded look on his face was priceless. And maybe, just maybe this could work out to be something more one day; it wasn't like they didn't have feelings for each other, after all.

They had spent so much time together since he came back from training with Jiraiya that it wasn't even surprising to her at this point. It wasn't that hard to realize he was a great person. He was kind, funny, and loving. Sure, he did stupid things and said stupid stuff quite a lot, but no one was perfect.

As an added bonus, based on her memories, his body was definitely one to drool over as well. She had to admit, if they ever did get married, she definitely wouldn't mind seeing it all again. His then 15-year-old body would have only improved with full maturity.

**Woot, done. This OneShot is 2975 words long and it was horrible to write. Tell me again why I wrote a crack fic about Sakura having seen Naruto's dangly bits. Oh that's right, because I came up with the idea while talking with one of my friends in the NaruSaku chat I am a part of and they convinced me to write it. However, I can't be too mad at her because she also agreed to beta this for me since I wasn't so sure I could do this justice, plus she helped me figure out a way to do this fic without getting too out there or unnecessarily long winded at parts. As reward/punishment for her involvement in this, I charge all of you who haven't already seen it to go read her story 'One Big Uzumaki Family' by John Smith. It is a great story filled with all sorts of awesome.**

**Anywho, thanks for reading this drivel and please leave your reviews (glowing, scathing, or otherwise) below.**


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